Friend or No
He called me last night. The ex. He was slurring something. I didn't say much except, "Are you drunk?" Which I already knew.
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!
It wasn't even a good drunk dial, like the kind where the guy is professing his true love and sobbing. No, nothing like that. He was still his indifferent self. He said, "You don't want to be friends with me, do you?" I paused, then said, "no. i didn't say that."
It's going to be hard. How do you just let go?
The truth is, my truth is, when he calls I have this pre-programmed expectation that he is going to tell me he wants to be with me, and that he realizes that he can't live without me.
This never happens and I end up feeling bad. My friend Jimm asks me why I torture myself. Perhaps I am a masochist?
The truth is my life is now changing, and for the better. Where does he fit in to this new life? I mean, I can't tell him I posted my profile online. I can't tell him if I go out with someone else.
I'm thinking No. But I knew that already.
Time to go
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!
It wasn't even a good drunk dial, like the kind where the guy is professing his true love and sobbing. No, nothing like that. He was still his indifferent self. He said, "You don't want to be friends with me, do you?" I paused, then said, "no. i didn't say that."
It's going to be hard. How do you just let go?
The truth is, my truth is, when he calls I have this pre-programmed expectation that he is going to tell me he wants to be with me, and that he realizes that he can't live without me.
This never happens and I end up feeling bad. My friend Jimm asks me why I torture myself. Perhaps I am a masochist?
The truth is my life is now changing, and for the better. Where does he fit in to this new life? I mean, I can't tell him I posted my profile online. I can't tell him if I go out with someone else.
I'm thinking No. But I knew that already.
Time to go
posted by blair at 8:51 PM
2 Comments:
I'm not trying to reach you - not in the way that men reach out to women. I read your blog and felt the trepidation of your heart, the thin tissue of your being, the bravery of your breaking away from him. And this is what I say... I say never say never... maybe that man you connected with is somehow hidebound by his upbringing, by his inability to reach out to you and show his weakness and his love, lost for words. And I also say this... if it really is the end, please try love columns in newspapers, internet dating services etc.. When the time feels right there is someone out there for you if it isn't him - the one you have sought to leave behind. Was he really so bad? I know you will never forget him - even when you are old and grey. You will wonder.
I found your blog while reading the comments on The Casual Friday. Breaking up/divorce sucks, I know first hand... but it sounds like you're aware of where you're at and willing to reach out. That's the best thing you can do. In situations like this it's always easier (and in some cases default) to recluse, and turn inward. Everyone needs to take a few to collect themselves, and work through emotions - but reach out. An old Proverb says 'He who wants friends much show himself friendly.' I'm sure I'm telling you all things you already know, sometimes it's just nice to hear them again. You're always welcome at my blog! Keep your chin up.
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