Beginning of the End
Friday, I pretty much had a breakdown at work. The pressure was really getting to me. I couldn't focus. My boss had pushed my last button. I let him know. I told him how difficult it has been working with him. I told him, "I'm the top performer in this company and you're treating me like dirt." He apologized. Told me how well I'm doing. I'm wondering if this is the beginning of the end. Perhaps I need a change?
Saturday was the wedding in Long Island. Marlaina looked beautiful. I went with the X. It was weird. It was like we were a couple again. We held hands. We sat close. When he spoke to my friends, he would say, "Blair and I saw that movie" or "When Blair and I went to Spain..." After a couple glasses of wine and a few trips to the sushi bar, I started to feel queasy. So much so, that I really could not function at this function. I went to the bathroom a few times and tried to puke, but nothing. He called a taxi and we left early. We had booked a hotel in NYC and I slept all the way back to the city. I laid my head down on his lap. I had my hand on his inner thigh. When we reached, I woke. We went upstairs to our room. I took my bag into the bathroom, and changed into my nightgown.
At first, we just laid there, holding each other. "I haven't felt this comfortable in a long time" he said. I tried not to look him in the eye. When I did, we kissed for what seemed like a really long time. It was nice. It had been so long since I held someone, kissed someone. It was different though. We had sex a couple of times that night. I think we both wanted it, but didn't. And now I feel a tremendous sadness.
Tonight, I watched the movie Groundhog Day. Somehow I can really relate to Phil, Phil Conner. I feel like I am living the same day over and over. Making the same mistakes over and over. It's funny how he finally breaks out of it. He becomes this total dogooder. I need to do something. Break out of this pattern. Take charge.
Saturday was the wedding in Long Island. Marlaina looked beautiful. I went with the X. It was weird. It was like we were a couple again. We held hands. We sat close. When he spoke to my friends, he would say, "Blair and I saw that movie" or "When Blair and I went to Spain..." After a couple glasses of wine and a few trips to the sushi bar, I started to feel queasy. So much so, that I really could not function at this function. I went to the bathroom a few times and tried to puke, but nothing. He called a taxi and we left early. We had booked a hotel in NYC and I slept all the way back to the city. I laid my head down on his lap. I had my hand on his inner thigh. When we reached, I woke. We went upstairs to our room. I took my bag into the bathroom, and changed into my nightgown.
At first, we just laid there, holding each other. "I haven't felt this comfortable in a long time" he said. I tried not to look him in the eye. When I did, we kissed for what seemed like a really long time. It was nice. It had been so long since I held someone, kissed someone. It was different though. We had sex a couple of times that night. I think we both wanted it, but didn't. And now I feel a tremendous sadness.
Tonight, I watched the movie Groundhog Day. Somehow I can really relate to Phil, Phil Conner. I feel like I am living the same day over and over. Making the same mistakes over and over. It's funny how he finally breaks out of it. He becomes this total dogooder. I need to do something. Break out of this pattern. Take charge.
posted by blair at 10:25 PM
2 Comments:
wow...having sex with the ex. I read that while listening to Daryl Hall's version of "standing in the shadows of love, waiting for the heartache to come..."
Sorry, don't mean to be more depressing. But I miss my ex very much (we were never married...but I loved him so damn much)
Being with an ex is a complicated thing. I wish you the best.
Friend's with benefits never works. One person always wants more, an emotional connect that can't be borne out of physical intimacy.
When my girlfriend broke up with me in college I would do anything to hang out with her, and on occasion, we'd make out as if we had never parted. And like you I felt a tremendous sadness each time. A void that I realized couldn't be remedied with a familiar feeling each time I was with her. I needed more than familiarity.
So I stopped seeing her. It was my decision. And I was able to, as cheesy as it sounds, find myself. I developed a passion independent of anything I had ever known--and anything she had ever known of me. I would say a change would do wonders for you (of course, speaking as someone who has never met you--it is funny how free advice is over the internet, haha).
And way to go telling your boss to eat a fat dick. I hate managers.
Blake
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