Friend or No

He called me last night. The ex. He was slurring something. I didn't say much except, "Are you drunk?" Which I already knew.

If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!

It wasn't even a good drunk dial, like the kind where the guy is professing his true love and sobbing. No, nothing like that. He was still his indifferent self. He said, "You don't want to be friends with me, do you?" I paused, then said, "no. i didn't say that."

It's going to be hard. How do you just let go?

The truth is, my truth is, when he calls I have this pre-programmed expectation that he is going to tell me he wants to be with me, and that he realizes that he can't live without me.

This never happens and I end up feeling bad. My friend Jimm asks me why I torture myself. Perhaps I am a masochist?

The truth is my life is now changing, and for the better. Where does he fit in to this new life? I mean, I can't tell him I posted my profile online. I can't tell him if I go out with someone else.

I'm thinking No. But I knew that already.

Time to go

Shaky

Much like the movie, "The Blair Witch Project" my life has been shakin' up a bit. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is scary sometimes when I stop and think.

Is there anyone there? Just nod if you can hear me.

I have acheived singledom once again. It has been some time since I was "really" single, but I guess I was never "really" not. My now ex-boyfriend, who is quite certainly no "boy" has broken up with me for the last time! No one "really" believes this, but I know it to be true. It's that feeling you get. That overdonewithgone feeling. You just couldn't stomach the thought. That's how I feel.

I am alone here in my town. I don't know too many people. The ones I do know are happily married. We go out sometimes and they mean well, but I usually end up feeling like such a "desperate ex-housewife" when they ask their friends, "do you have any single friends?"
Most of the time, the person doesn't even answer the question. They just sort of have this frozen wierd look on their face and they wait for someone to change the topic, as do I.

So here I am. All shoke up. Trying to sort myself out. I have taken some steps to getting myself back out there. I'm not so worried about meeting a guy right now. What I really need are friends. Friends like me. I'm 36 and it's a bit more challenging to make new friends.

I'm glad I'm here. Right now, I'm just talking to myself.