Eventfull

Mom's are supposed to nurture you. They're supposed to help you up when you fall, not kick you when you're down. I took the kids and the puppy to visit my mom on Sunday. We were there all of 30 minutes and I triped over the gate she put up in the kitchen. One of those "baby gates" so the puppy wouldn't wander throughout the house. Well, she just had it leaning up against the wall and my foot caught it and I went tumbling over and onto the floor and twisted my ankle pretty good. Her reaction was horrible. She yelled at me for "hopping" over the gate instead of moving it. "You NEVER hop over the gate, how many times have I told you that!!!", she said in a very mean tone. She kept repeating this over and over.

I laid there on the floor enraged. I couldn't help myself, I just got so angry. How could she yell at me for getting hurt? I mean, was this helping anything?

This escallated until I took the kids and the puppy and got into the car and went home. I felt awful. The kids were upset. My ankle was swelling up and my mother was making me out to be the bad guy. I got home and she called me to apologize. She said she was sorry that I got hurt and that I should put some ice on my ankle. I said I was sorry for what happened too.

Of course, I should know my mother by now. But for some strange reason this stuff really makes me nuts. She just knows the right buttons to push me over the edge. These episodes have happened less and less since I've been on my own, but when they do happen boy do they happen.

What Are The Odds???

I bought a lottery ticket today. Actually, I bought 5 chances to win 300 Million dollars. The drawing is at 11pm. Last night as I was driving with my friends to the city for Tracy's birthday dinner, we saw a big billboard that read, "Powerball is 300 Million!!" We all dreamed a little and then this morning after brunch, we bought tickets. Tracy said she would give all of her friends a million bucks. Her husband freaked out. They were actually getting into a fight over this. I reminded them that they haven't even won anything yet. She does have a lot of friends.

I once thought about writing a short story about a woman who won the lottery. Millions of dollars. She becomes very paranoid. So much so, that she regrets winning the money at all. I am really not sure how I would react. I think I would be a little paranoid. It's such an insane amount of money. I would definitely take care of my family. I would absolutely give a lot of money to charity. After that, I am stuck. With that kind of molah I could certainly afford all the material possessions that one could want. Would I still want them? I guess it's hard to say. Why skimp on the cream when you're making sweets in your head?

I went to visit my grandmother in the hospital today. She was admitted last Tuesday evening. This time she remembered who I was. She's so depressed. She's 90 years old and she has had a wonderful life. So much to be thankful for. But now, her health is really deteriorating and she feels useless. It's hard to empathize with her. I think of all of the good. I said to her, "You're able to sit her and talk with me, you're able to feed yourself..." She looked away. In fact, she didn't really look at me much. She always had so much dignity. I think she feels that it's all gone now.

I had a professor in college that always said, "The only way to beat old age is to die young!" We would all laugh. But it's true. We will all get there somehow. Some of us with a little more dignity than others, but it is our ultimate fate.

Life is our lottery. Her numbers are just not up yet.

Beginning of the End

Friday, I pretty much had a breakdown at work. The pressure was really getting to me. I couldn't focus. My boss had pushed my last button. I let him know. I told him how difficult it has been working with him. I told him, "I'm the top performer in this company and you're treating me like dirt." He apologized. Told me how well I'm doing. I'm wondering if this is the beginning of the end. Perhaps I need a change?

Saturday was the wedding in Long Island. Marlaina looked beautiful. I went with the X. It was weird. It was like we were a couple again. We held hands. We sat close. When he spoke to my friends, he would say, "Blair and I saw that movie" or "When Blair and I went to Spain..." After a couple glasses of wine and a few trips to the sushi bar, I started to feel queasy. So much so, that I really could not function at this function. I went to the bathroom a few times and tried to puke, but nothing. He called a taxi and we left early. We had booked a hotel in NYC and I slept all the way back to the city. I laid my head down on his lap. I had my hand on his inner thigh. When we reached, I woke. We went upstairs to our room. I took my bag into the bathroom, and changed into my nightgown.

At first, we just laid there, holding each other. "I haven't felt this comfortable in a long time" he said. I tried not to look him in the eye. When I did, we kissed for what seemed like a really long time. It was nice. It had been so long since I held someone, kissed someone. It was different though. We had sex a couple of times that night. I think we both wanted it, but didn't. And now I feel a tremendous sadness.

Tonight, I watched the movie Groundhog Day. Somehow I can really relate to Phil, Phil Conner. I feel like I am living the same day over and over. Making the same mistakes over and over. It's funny how he finally breaks out of it. He becomes this total dogooder. I need to do something. Break out of this pattern. Take charge.